Latent desire
by LatentNadir
Summary: One would think being married would make two people's relationship stronger, unbreakable even. She fell in love with him for the way he smiled, for the way he referred to himself as papa ever so often. He loved her for the glow in her eyes and the way she would dance with the children. As they grow this stops being enough, but enough seems just as unreachable as being together.
1. Chapter 1

"What's your favourite memory?"

"Of us?"

"Not necessarily, just your favourite memory. The one you like revisiting the most. It can be anything really."

"Aa. I remember once coming come, it was night time and the electricity was out since I kept forgetting to pay the bills."

"Your favourite memory is you forgetting to pay the bills?"

"Not quite."

Sakura sat on the porch, head on her knees as she embraced them tightly, waiting for him yet again. He was running late. That was uncharacteristic of him. Had something happened on the road? He was coming from a long mission in the Wind Country to meet her in the Land of Tea. How much time has it been anyway? She tried remembering the last time she saw his face, felt his lips, smelled his skin, touched him, held his hand. Sakura could only remember the last time she saw him, it was 3 months prior when he left Konoha. Somehow she hadn't missed him once. This was uncharacteristic of her. Maybe they've changed just enough to alter their relationship to the point where they did not recognise each other. Maybe she was exaggerating. Surely she hadn't missed him as she was aware of the fact that he will return. He always did.

Yet as she waited on the porch of this house that once held so much importance to her, but now seemed more and more with each minute like an abandoned cottage, she realised this was all a bad idea. After all, she was not 25 anymore and neither was he. But it was tradition. Each year they would come to the house, their house as they called when they had first encountered it. The house sure looked better when they were young, but it had been a long time ago. She nonchalantly thought how the house resembles her failed marriage. In the beginning beautiful and alluring, almost perfect. The house could hold no secrets back then, it was always warm, always a good escape, a place where no one could hurt her, her happy place. Now the house was almost broken down, cold, with wind taking everything the house holds and spreading it to the outside. The intimacy was gone.

"You're late"

Sakura did not look at him and neither did he. He stared absently in the distance and then went into the house. She was not mad, Sakura did not see the point. He simply didn't want to be there and it was fine, even understandable. She hadn't been the greatest company lately and more often than not found herself avoiding him to the point where she would spend days without seeing the face of her husband. Running away hasn't been her thing in a long long time, but she thought it felt better than confronting him about their broken marriage.

"Can we just fuck and get this pity party over with?" Her voice came out stronger than expected, she felt good. Never show weakness, guilt is never a good feeling. But they had stopped being honest with each other years before so there was no room for guilt. It was acceptable to fake emotions, fake conversations, fake orgasms, to fake a marriage.

When he did not respond she suddenly felt tired. Tired to pretend for the first time in months. How dare he have the nerve ignore her like this. Why were they here?

"I can't even remember the last time we had sex, you know?" She knew she was sounding pathetic and vicious at the same time as if she intended to hurt him. Maybe she did, ever so often she took pleasure in imagining him suffer, asking for a divorce just to see him struggle, just for a bit. After each season of said day dream she would feel terrible, could not look him in the eyes for days in a row. Sakura always took shift after shift at the hospital whenever this happened. Only Naruto knew about these incidents, yet he could never have the right advice to give or right words to soothe the pain. How egoistical she was. When Naruto told her that maybe they just needed a vacation, a way in which they could somehow spend time together, remember why they fell in love in the first place, she told him that if they needed anything it was separate vacations, just as far away from each other.

Eventually her friend gave up knowing she could not reason with him. Still, whenever they saw each other which was seldom these days, Naruto would look at her with pity and hurt an sometimes, just sometimes with a bit of judgement. Most of the times it was hurt. And it pained her because Sakura knew Naruto was in no point suffering for her, he was hurting for the best-friend, for the brother she was crushing each day with her fake smiles, late night shifts and men perfume that always tangled on her clothes. Her husband never asked though, it was either he did not care or he did not want to know the answer. She was conflicted, did not make any sense at all. It certainly complicated things enough that her and her husband hadn't had a proper conversation in more than a year now, matters discussed regarded the children or food, but that would be it. Naruto would never tell her anything, yet she knew her husband would confide in him. She believed Naruto did not tell him wither the matters they would ever so often approach. Whenever guilt took over her she would be happy her friend was discrete, but there were times she felt so tired she wanted her husband to know. Wanted him to know how she was not sure about her feelings for him anymore, wanted him to know that she was tempted to cheat more than once, wanted him to know how she thought he was not as great in bed anymore. Though there were times when she was sure he knew all these things. And really she was behaving like worse things were happening between the two of them, it was rather hard to miss the implications of her attitude. Even the children have noticed.

Seiji never asked directly but he stopped visiting after watching his parents drive apart. Sakura understood, he was never one for conflict, always a pacifist. She knew Seiji was coming to terms with the context of his parents' marriage, he simply needed time to adjust. Nishi was harder though. Nishi blamed Sakura for the situation believing she was at fault and more than once stating to her father how she thinks her mother is having an affair. And Sano, her dear Sano never failed to impress her. He had proven himself to be a great support for both her and her husband, never ceasing to be there, even if he never spoke about "it". Sakura appreciated this, felt lucky to have raised such a son.

"I don't think I'm at fault for this."

Sasuke's voice was hard, voided of any emotion. But as he stepped out of the house with a bottle of wine and two glasses in his hand, Sakura saw how his eyes were speaking all the words he would not let out. She could not resist the tears that formed in her eyes even though she did not let them fall, he was just as tired as she.


	2. Chapter 2

"Do you remember?"

"Hn?"

"That time when I've gone missing for a few months, when you thought you really lost me."

"I'd rather not remember. You were classified as KIA, Sakura."

"But I came home, I've never seen you so happy as I did that day, as if someone had lifted a great burden off your shoulders."

"Yeah, I was...happy. But then again, there are worse ways in which you can lose a person. Look at us now."

"I know, Sasuke. You're not the only one losing this game."

"But I'm the only one left playing and you can't quite lose if you do not play, isn't that right, Sakura?"

As Sasuke lay down beside his wife he felt a sudden rush of emotions he couldn't quite describe. What he did know though was that he was angry. And he was afraid. Angry that Sakura could not even try to appreciate the fact that he chose to be there, to at least try. Afraid because he knew what he was in for. Sasuke knew the problems in their marriage ran deep, but he had always hoped, still did, that there could be a way in which they could solve their issues, find each other again. He was afraid they would fight. And he knew they would. He was afraid they were far too lost to ever get back to the point where they could be a team. Partners, friends, teammates, lovers, loving parents who have succeeded to raise three beautiful children.

Sure they had problems, but he distinctly remembered the dobe telling him how it was normal. How every marriage had good years and terrible years. How it is essential to find a balance between these two and how if you cherish the good ones enough you are going to make it through the tough ones.

Sasuke just couldn't quite grab the notion of the situation he found himself to be in. He knew he still loved his wife. That he was certain of. He also acknowledged the fact that his family was the most precious thing on earth for him. Sasuke was certain of the fact that he wanted to grow old next to his wife. That wasn't the issue. He also found himself rather fond of all the memories they shared after he had returned to the village. Sasuke Uchiha was many things, but a coward was not one of them. He regretted every occasion on which he had hurt Sakura, every single time he had made her cry or crumble, every single time he knew he was the reason for the frown on her face or the concern in her voice. And he hated himself for all of these. But he had the power to face all of his mistakes, and that thanks to her. After years together working on his personal issues and the strong tie connecting his present behavior to his past, Sasuke understood that in order to be a better person, all for her and Naruto and the children later on, he needed to confront his past, assume his choices, be they fortunate or not and most of the times they weren't, and finally make amends as to fix the problems he had caused.

Because of this, he had accepted the fact that he had flaws. Sasuke had accepted Sakura's imperfections and loved her all the same for them, if not more. He also found the power to face the bad years, the terrible ones. He figured they simply wouldn't have been where they were if it weren't for those years. They wouldn't have shared the same story and Sasuke would have it no other way.

And it was all because he loved his wife. Loved the smile on her face she would only display for him and the children. Her special smile. Sasuke loved how she would always wake up before him to get to work, how she would always kiss his cheek before leaving. He loved how she would soothe the children whenever they felt bitter or heartbroken. But he especially loved her when she was still feeling dizzy after their lovemaking because only then he could truly see her, grab her naked soul and be mesmerized by its beauty. Only then he could observe the way her chest rose with effort trying to stabilize itself, and it was beautiful because she was alive and his. She was his. Her eyes would sparkle with love and beauty and all the unspoken feelings and words she did not need to spoke. He understood. He understood that in their most intimate times, he reasoned this intimacy had little to do with the sex and more to do with their inner need for each other, she would speak her love in the most beautiful ways. Sakura would tell him that she loves him by playing lazily with his hair, smiling that oh so perfect smile only she could muster, by sharing long loving gazes, by simply being there and his to hold.

The sole memory of times like these made him want to last the sufficient time in order to live one of those good years again. Sasuke reasoned it was not easy, especially since he hadn't got the chance to fully relive all those good times. And it had been a long time indeed. When was the last occasion on which he had kissed her anyway? He could not remember.

They were going to get through this. They've been through worse after all. They always found they way back. It was just as simple, just as natural as the sun rising in the morning and dying every night so as to let the moon breath. So why was the waiting so hard? And what had him so paralyzed with fear that he couldn't quite think or breath anymore.

It was nighttime now. They could hear the lonely crickets singing their songs. He knew Sakura found the noises they made lovely, just as lovely as she found the summer smell lingering in the air. Sakura always did love the house. She used to be happy whenever this part of the year would come, as it would mean their escape was close. Sasuke remembered her smiling on this very same porch, humming her favorite tune or entertaining the idea of running away for just a bit, just the two of them. He would always scold her and she would giggle. It was those specific times that made the corners of his mouth form a slight smile, let out a low chuckle.

He understood though this was not one of those time for her smile was absent and the spell nowhere to be found. Sakura no longer seemed fascinated with the sound of the crickets or the smell of summer flowers. She was lost in thought, looking anywhere but at him and he found it funny how they had switched places for she was now passive and he in love.

It never ceased to amaze him how after all these years he felt her slipping away and he remaining glued to the spot. Was that how heartbreak felt? Or was it waiting for her to come home from her late night shifts only to ignore him, the smell of another man lingering in her hair, on her clothes, on her skin? Sasuke Uchiha was terrified that he had come to love so much another human being only to feel the element of his adoration slowly drifting further and further. He was afraid Sakura Uchiha would crush him with her hard glare and silent disapproval. And he felt like a fool for giving her this power.

"And how is it my fault, Sasuke? I tried, you know I did. What have you done to make our marriage work? You..-" Sakura abruptly stopped as if to measure her words correctly. She was playing him, turning things in her advantage. "You stopped being there, Sasuke, stopped touching me. You're not happy and neither am I, there's no point in pretending. Can we stop pretending for once?"

He did not mean to let the words slip out, he did not mean to let anger take over him, he knew better. And yet he found himself unable to control himself, unable to retrain the glare pointed at her or the venom in his voice. And it was all because of her, all because of the fucking Sakura Haruno, now Uchiha, who always found the power and cleverness to twist the reality. "Why would I want to touch a wall, ah?" He expected hurt, but there was none in her eyes, only anger.

"I'm not a fucking fortune-teller so could you maybe, for once, try to use more that 5 words per year and fucking elaborate?" Sakura was screaming with frustration now, not bothered at all by the hardening glare he displayed so cruelly on his face. It was a contest with her for who could win this argument.

He had no intention whatsoever of playing her stupid games or indulging in her ridiculous charade. If Sakura wanted the truth she would get it.

Sasuke handed her a glass and poured some wine in it. He repeated the process with his own glass. He did not say anything for once, letting her cool down before finally speaking his mind. He let his mind wonder, a weakness he concluded, for he thought again of better times, the good years. What if Naruto was wrong and the cycle sometimes just broke, what if there were no more good time coming. He felt unease wash over him at the thought. The dobe, as idiotic as he was, was never quite wrong. Not when he spoke with his heart. And he had faith. Faith that things are soon going to be back on track. But Sasuke lacked the faith his best friend fed on. Some causes were simply lost, some things were simply unchangeable no matter how hard you tried or how hard you wished for them to be different.

"You kept rejecting me, always busy or tired or not in the mood. But that wasn't the worst part, it really wasn't. It was the times you accepted that were the worst." He paused there, not sure if he should go on. But he did nonetheless. "You would just lie there, not making a sound with that distant look on your face. You seemed disgusted like you couldn't wait for it to be over." Sasuke felt his throat go dry. Sakura, the girl who had loved him for all these years, Sakura, his wife, the mother of his three beautiful children, could not stand his touch. "You don't need to voice rejection in order for me to feel it, Sakura. So I stopped asking. I stopped wanting you in that way altogether. It was easier that having to see that look, the way your eyes would look anywhere but at me. But I'm not the one who stopped trying, no. You are."

She wouldn't look him in the face, but Sasuke could feel her anger was gone. Sakura was surprised to say the least. He was aware that the reason for her reaction was the fact that he had decided to be honest with her for the first time in a long long time.

There was this question at the tip of this tongue, one he did not want to voice for many reasons. Because in his heart he trusted her and did not see her capable of doing such a thing, because he was afraid to hear the answer, because he still had his dignity and could not accept the possibility of the cruel scenario.

Still, Nishi's words rang in his ears. His daughter was rather keen on "opening his eyes" about Sakura's doings.

Sakura remained quiet, not uttering a single word. For once, Sasuke could not decipher the look on her face. There was this mix of embarrassment and astonishment lingering on Sakura's features. She was truly beautiful, even now, even with age, even with the last years on the back of his mind.

He needed to ask.

"Have you cheated on me?"

She laughed, not a giggle, but a low chuckle.

"What do you think?"

Anxiety. Despair. Doubt. Suddenly Sasuke felt like he was losing it. He found himself unable to control his breathing. He closed his eyes shut and tried to imagine better times, better years. He remembered pink hair and green eyes; red clothes, a woman holding a beautiful baby, his baby. Hadn't he been expecting this?

He struggled to stay still. Sasuke Uchiha was losing it and all because he gave her this power over him. He refused to open his eyes because this was not happening. Sakura would never do this. Sakura, his Sakura, would never purposely hurt him. But she had been doing that for a while now.

Betrayal.

He was waiting for hatred to take over, but it didn't. He was waiting for tears to fill the corners of his eyes, but they didn't. He was waiting for Sakura to say something, but she didn't.

The sound of crickets ceased to exist. She was fiddling with her clothes. Green. No Uchiha crest on her back. Sakura lifted the glass of wine to her lips, took a sip and then adjusted her legs in a more comfortable position.

Sasuke opened his eyes and found her stare lingering on his face. There was hurt in her eyes. The Uchiha wondered what his eyes reflected in that specific moment.

"You should know better than asking such questions."

Sakura had said it as if it was the most obvious thing on earth. Her voice was slowly breaking. She looked away.

He knew then that she was hurting not because she felt guilty, but because he had thought she would ever betray him. He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and slowly reached out for her. Her skin was as cold as it was pale. Sasuke embraced her, smelled her hair, kissed her hair. Maybe they could get through this.

"But I'm not sure I love you anymore."

He let go.

"I'm sorry, Sasuke."


End file.
